Welcome back to The Dan Patrick Show.
Joining us on the phone, we got the coach, Marty Daniels,
from Blue Mountain State. Hey, Coach, how's it going?
Good, Dan. And thanks for having me on.
Be honest now. You came into the season ranked 14th.
Everybody was writing you off. They said, personally,
you were washed up. So here you are.
You're one game away from being perfect.
You've never been perfect before in your life. 12-0.
Number one ranking.
What do you think about that? Gotta feel good.
Well, if I'm being honest, yeah, it does feel good.
And I hope the pricks who wrote me off choke.
Speaking of choking, I gotta tell you,
this is a trap game on Saturday. This is a 1-10 team.
Everybody's saying it's a lock for you guys. And it's gonna set the stage
for something dramatic. You gotta be a little bit worried.
No, no, I'm not worried.
Uh... Well, neither is your quarterback.
Radon Randell called the show yesterday and he guaranteed a win.
He did?
Yeah, he guaranteed a win.
He even predicted the score here.
He's got you guys winning 115 to zip.
You still there, Coach?
Yeah, I'm sure he was just kidding around.
No, no, no. I'm gonna read it to you. I got the exact quote.
"I, Radon Randell, will bury this Pinkerton team singlehandedly.
"I'm guaranteeing a win for my fans.
"115-0.
"I'm scoring four touchdowns on the ground,
"throwing for five in the air.
"And I'm also gonna see if they'll let me beatbox
"God Bless America at halftime."
Well, I admire his enthusiasm,
but... You know, we still have to play the game.
This could be your last shot at redemption. You know that?
I'd hate to see you blow it,
but I really think you're going to.
What the hell's your problem today, Dan?
Is it because I tried to make out with your sister at the ESPYs?
That was not my sister. That was my wife.
And you better believe it.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Blue 16! Blue 16!
Set! Hit!
Hey, Coach. This QB shit is just too easy, man.
I wanna play receiver on Saturday.
Really? And I wanna bang the Queen of England,
but that ain't happening either. Get back in there and run the play.
Trips right, 55 scissor.
Get in there.
Screw him, man. Let's have some fun, fellas.
Eagle go turn-in, two on one. (LAUGHS) Ready?
ALL: Break!
Blue 16! Blue 16!
Set! Hit!
Pass! Pass!
(THAD SHOUTS) (RADON GRUNTS)
God damn it! (WHOOPING)
Stick a fork in him.
He's done, baby! (RADON GROANING)
What is wrong with you?
You don't hit the quarterback during practice.
My shoulder! (GROANING)
He was a receiver, and he was in my zone.
Anybody who comes in my zone gets laid out.
That's what I do. I lay people out!
You know what? I oughta lay you out.
Just a stinger, Coach. He'll be okay.
You're one lucky son of a bitch.
(RADON PANTING) Shoot.
He was in my zone.
"Penis gobblers.
"Wrap your pecker in these delicious edible condoms
"and she'll be dying for a romantic dessert after dinner."
Yup, penis gobblers.
I found an old box under my bed.
They're delicious, and girls love 'em.
(SCOFFING) You expect me to believe that penis gobblers
help you pick up women? Uh-huh.
Hey, asshole. Those penis gobblers made me throw up all weekend.
Are you sure I didn't hit your gag reflex? (LAUGHING)
Keep laughing. My brother's coming here this weekend
and he's gonna kick your ass.
Well, I'm not a fighter, so...
So what does that make you? A pussy?
What did you just call me?
I called you a pussy, pussy.
Call me a pussy again, see what happens.
Miss, please don't.
You're a pussy!
Your brother's a dead man!
See you on Saturday then, pussy.
(STAMMERS) Yeah.
(GRUNTS) Whoo!
I'm telling you, the party after we win that game
is gonna be awesome.
Or maybe we should drink alone in your room instead.
I like that idea. (GIGGLING)
Hey, Alex.
Radon says you're starting the game on Saturday.
Is it true?
No, no. Radon's just got a stinger.
He's gonna be fine for the game.
Well, if that changes and you are starting,
call us. Oh.
We would love to get to know you better.
Oh. You guys share the same phone number?
We share everything.
And we mean everything.
Well, why don't you sluts share a goodbye?
Yeah. Oh, there it is.
See you at cheer practice. (CHUCKLING)
Can't wait to toss you up in the air.
They're nice.
You're not really starting, are you?
Wasn't planning on it.
But actually,
that's not a bad idea.
I mean, this game is a lock. If I bring home a 12-0, I'm a hero.
That's low risk, high reward.
Radon's gonna be fine. Yeah.
Oh, shit. Alex, look!
It's Chuck Liddell, the UFC fighter.
What?
That's not Chuck Liddell. Yeah, it is.
What are you eating? What is this?
Oh, these are penis gobblers.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Did he say "penis gobblers"?
Chuck? You Chuck Liddell?
Yes, I am.
Hey, it's him. Alex, I told you it was him.
Right.
Wow, man. Big fan. Big fan of yours.
You want a penis gobbler?
What the hell is a penis gobbler?
Edible condoms.
They're delicious, but they got me into a little bit of trouble.
Yeah, I'll try one.
They're good.
What kind of trouble are you in?
This girl sucked a penis gobbler
off my pecker and it made her sick.
Now her brother's coming to beat me up.
You don't have to fight, man.
I usually don't. I usually just tell people
I jerked them off and they leave me alone.
But she called me a pussy.
Oh, well, that's different. You gotta fight now.
Meet me tomorrow. I'll train you. Yeah?
Yeah. Gimme another one of those.
See you tomorrow. Wow.
COACH DANIELS: Protect the quarterback this time!
Spread, spread!
Come on, D. Get off your butt.
Oh, boy.
Blue 16. Blue 16.
Set! Hut!
(THAD SHOUTING) (RADON SCREAMING)
Down, down, down. Don't hit me.
Radon, what the hell was that?
I'm injured, Coach. I shouldn't be playing.
The trainers and the doctors said you're fine.
Come on. (GROANING)
RADON: Moran should start Saturday.
Quit being such a gigantic... Back off, Thad.
Hey, wait, maybe Radon's right.
Why don't I take a shot at this?
Yeah. I mean, we're gonna win anyway, right?
Why don't we let Radon rest till the bowl game?
Shut up, Moran. Okay.
Now come on, try it one more time. Huddle up.
(GROANING)
Look, I think that hit yesterday
shook something loose in Radon's head.
We got a very delicate situation here.
I want you to call Mia, the one who helped me get through my divorce.
The one with the nice cupcakes.
You wanna put him in therapy?
I can't afford to lose him.
And I'm not gonna let that idiot lose another big game for me.
Standing right here, Coach.
Radon,
your coach tells me you're having some confidence issues.
It has nothing to do with confidence.
I'm injured. I've never been injured before.
Okay, we're going to play a word association game.
I'll say a word and you just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
You ready? Football.
Titties.
Water.
Titties.
Shoulder.
Titties again.
I think you're searching for a mother.
I know where my mom is. She's in the Air Force.
Oh, you want to write some shit down?
I can write some shit down, too.
Bet you don't know what I wrote down.
You wrote something about my tits.
Nope.
I drew them.
TV REPORTER: We're two days away from the final game
of the regular season and BMS fans are buzzing
at the possibility of an undefeated season.
But the big news on campus is that Radon Randell
has been a no-show at practice the past two days,
putting sophomore, Alex Moran, in the spotlight.
Back to you, Diane.
Alex, you do something to me.
Well, if you call me after the game, I will make sure that I do.
(CHEERING)
This school is set to explode, man.
I know. And I am ready to light the fuse.
Any word from Radon?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
No, he hasn't returned my calls.
(EXHALES)
Are you feeling all right, Marty?
Yeah, yeah. It's just a little... Just hot out.
'Cause I am bringing home that "W". I guarantee it.
(CHEERING)
(GROANING)
Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty!
Somebody call an ambulance! Help!
Look, there he is. Dead meat.
You pussy! (ALL LAUGH)
Chuck?
Chuck, Chuck! Hey, look. Chuck, it's Sammy!
Chuck, what in God's name are you doing right now, man?
Practicing my new move.
I consider it the best fight move in the world.
Chuck, you gotta teach me that move, man. Have a penis gobbler.
They're delicious.
You're not ready for that move.
Let's start small. Ever been in a fight before?
I haven't, Chuck. But I'll do any... Jesus!
First rule in a fight, don't get hit.
Yeah, good to know, Chuck.
Right after you punch me in the face, you tell me that.
They are delicious, though.
I told you they were good.
Please don't die. Please don't die. Please don't die.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Family members only.
We're just gonna wait out here.
(SIGHING)
I'm really scared you're gonna lose this game for us.
You know you won't be able to show your face at the school again, right?
You're not helping right now.
I'm just saying. It's the media.
Don't move. I have to check my hair
in the reflection in your eyes.
Don't move.
Alex, Clay Travis, AOL fanhouse. How's your coach doing?
Well, he had a heart attack.
And he's awake and he's in good hands.
Are you worried that if you lose this game it might kill him?
I wasn't a minute ago. Jesus!
I am.
You feel safe in here, don't you?
I come here to think and to party sometimes.
You like it here because it represents your mother's womb.
So you mean to tell me this whole time
I've been partying in my mom's vagina?
Yes. Now, I'm going to rub your shoulder,
and I want you to nurse from my breast while I do it.
You want me to do what?
I'm going to present my breast, and I want you to nurse from it.
But I'm lactose intolerant.
I'm not really lactating. It's symbolic. Now go.
Yes, ma'am.
(SCREAMING) CHUCK: Go!
Oh, yeah!
Ooh, yeah!
Baby! Whoo! Yeah!
(CHEERING)
Blue 16! Blue 16!
Hut! Hut!
Shake it off!
It's okay, Alex!
KATE AND KARA: We still love you!
What a pussy. ALL: Yeah.
Come on, Chuck. Come on!
Chuck, okay, okay.
(SINGING BMS FIGHT SONG)
(MONITORS BEEPING)
I think it's time we both take responsibility for what happened.
I shouldn't have hit Radon like I did.
But now that I think about it, it was in my zone.
So that was his fault.
Your turn.
Are you kidding me?
This is completely your fault.
There wouldn't have been an injury or a heart attack
if you hadn't have hit Radon.
Oh, there he is, Mr. Blame Game.
So nice to see you again.
Stop saying "Blame game."
(MOANS)
Look, maybe we can work together to fix Radon.
I vote we hit him again.
My freshman year I got hit in the nads so hard,
they went up inside my body for weeks.
You know how I got those puppies to drop back down again?
I have an idea, yeah.
I told someone to hit me in the nads again.
Look, I'm willing to try anything, all right?
Because the game starts in 12 hours.
Are you sure that this is gonna work?
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
That's what I'm afraid of.
This is stupid. Can I just suck your titties again?
We're never going to get anywhere if you don't open up.
Just tell me what you see.
All right, fine.
They look like my coaches.
Tell me about them.
I see all my coaches.
And they're just trying
to exploit my athleticism.
They don't care about me. They only care about the touchdown factory.
What's the touchdown factory?
It's what I call my body. (CRYING)
I always thought you had mommy issues.
Now I realize you have coach issues.
You need to tell him how you feel.
Can I offer you a blowjob before you leave?
If you think that it'd help me out in this time of need,
I'll accept your offer.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Good morning, Goat fans.
We're just hours away from the final game of the regular season.
Can this team finish undefeated
without the arm of Radon Randell
or the leadership of Coach Marty Daniels?
We'll find out today.
GIRL: Hey, Alex. Good luck with the game.
Yup. Hey, Alex, hey.
We need to talk.
I can't talk right now. I have a perfect season to ruin.
If we win tonight, are you gonna bang the head cheerleaders?
I don't know. Maybe. I don't know.
Okay, well, what if we lose?
If we lose, I'll have to transfer schools.
Just so you know, I'd go with you.
Great. Thank you. That's exactly what I need to hear right now.
Thank you. I'll talk to you later.
Good to know you're an asshole.
Is this pussy gonna show or what?
This pussy showed up, all right.
And he's here to kick some ass.
Oh, Becca, you blew this guy?
What do you want me to say? His penis tasted like cherries.
Before we get started, I'd just like to let you know
that I've been getting personally trained by this guy,
Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Really? Chuck Liddell?
That's good.
You believe these guys, Ch...
Chuck, where'd you go? You were just right here.
Sammy, I'm here.
But you're the only one who can see me.
What? Bullshit!
The blonde girl was right.
Those penis gobblers you've been eating, they're expired.
You've been hallucinating.
CHUCK: That wasn't me you met at the bar.
Oh, my God. Alex, look! It's Chuck Liddell.
Right.
Wow, man. Big fan of yours.
CHUCK: And it wasn't me who's been training you.
Yeah, buddy, whoo!
CHUCK: You've been alone this whole time.
What a pussy.
CHUCK: You couldn't handle being called a pussy.
You knew you couldn't win the fight on your own,
so you created me as your courage.
Oh, shit!
MAN ON RADIO: I just don't think Alex Moran can do it.
He sucked in the Cypress Bowl last year and he...
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
(SIGHS)
Hey, Mia, I could use a little mothering right now.
First things first. Radon has something he'd like to share.
Go ahead. What do you have to say?
Okay, my coaches
have always been like my dads.
Like, they took care of me. They took me places. They bought me shit.
But you're not like that.
I mean, if I get hurt or injured,
you're gonna just drop me
and I'm never gonna see you again.
So that's why I don't wanna play.
You know, Radon,
there's something I've been meaning to tell you,
something I wish I would have told you days ago.
You're being a pussy.
I'm being a what?
Did you just hear what he just said to me?
Yes, I agree. You're being a gigantic pussy.
I'm being a pussy?
He's being a pussy. He's the one in the hospital bed.
I just had a freakin' heart attack, you pussy.
Man, stop calling me a pussy, you pussy.
You're the one that got all the stuff hanging out your chest, man.
Don't call me no pussy no more.
Oh, you wanna play that game?
Okay.
Radon, you need to decide right now.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life sucking on Mommy's titties
like a little pussy?
Or do you want to play football like a man,
and maybe suck on some cheerleader titties?
Hey, I'm walking out of this hospital
and right onto the sidelines.
And you're too much of a pussy to ever do that.
I'll walk out on the sidelines right now with you, you pussy.
Let's friggin' go then!
Well, let's go then.
Chuck, how could you do this to me?
Who's this idiot talking to?
You were supposed to teach me the best fight move in the world.
Sammy, you created me.
That means you created the best fight move in the world, too.
SAMMY: What in God's name are you doing right now, man?
CHUCK: Practicing my new move.
I consider it the best fight move in the world.
Come on, Kyle. Put him in a body bag.
All right, let's do this, man! Bring it on, pussy!
I like you, Sammy.
Always have. Always will.
I like you, too, Chuck.
Okay, listen up.
"In any man's finest hour,
"he must rise to the challenges in his path."
He's not coming. No, we're screwed. I'm screwed.
"Glory comes to the man..."
It's over. I should learn these plays.
Oh, shit. Where the hell's Thad?
"What he does..." Marty!
RADON: Ha ha! Radon.
Who's ready to win a football game, baby?
(CHEERING)
Get suited up, Radon.
(WHOOPING) I'm back, baby.
I'm back!
Thank God!
I'm back, baby. I'm back, man!
I'm back, baby!
(MOUTHING NO)
Yeah, suck on that, you pussy. (SPITS)
(GROANING)
Did we do it, Chuck?
Did we win?
You gotta lay off those penis gobblers, my man.
(RADON GROANING) Get off him!
Radon.
(RADON SCREAMS)
Are you freakin' crazy?
Marty, your heart.
He's cured now, Coach. You're welcome.
Oh, my shoulder.
He's really hurt this time.
No, no, no, no. Shit, shit, shit.
Our plan didn't work out, bro.
No shit!
Let's go get 'em.
And no pressure, but if you lose this game, Coach...
BOTH: Is probably gonna die.
I know. I got it.
I believe in you, Moran.
Mostly because I don't have a choice.
Don't let all of us down.
Oh.
This is hell.
Oh, shit.
Okay, let's do this.
Oh, shit.